Thank you SEX POSITIVE PORTLAND for POLYTOPIA 2019
At the end of March ‘19 I traveled to Portland for a Sex Education Conference, I came with a journal & pencil eager to learn and expand my knowledge about relationships. Here I share poignant remarks, books, secrets, scripts and ideas to improve your relationships with playmates and your partner.
First Luncheon briefing after the Gala
Conversations can incite responses that physiologically change a body from calm to chaos.
Figure 1 The female spinal cord has a complex web of Nerves stretching from the brainstem to the Sacrum, on the right links the organ to what node on the spinal cord it associates to.
Checking in with a person you want to be willing to engage with obtain consent first by briefing the context of the conversation.
”I would love to have this conversation with you, now?
“please let me know of a good time? “I wanting to understand something for myself”
If/when you are not permitted you may say:
“Thank you for taking care of yourself”
Leave Room in the Room –Never say never, or Always put aside these Assumptions
People cannot have space for your feelings if there is any coercion to guilt, and shame over stigmas.
Speak for yourself —- “for me…” “In my experience…” “May I…”
Consent Culture is Amazing Coercion culture is fading – Angel Prayer
JIMENA ALVARADO CHAVARRIA Social Justice Worker and Educator Website
She was very cheerful, passionate, and empowering!
Check out her fully published less plan she offers as a free source. Very cool Woman!
Lessons from her University course : https://sites.google.com/pcc.edu/jimena/lesson-plans
ANGIE GUNN Consensual Non-Monogamy 2.0
Questions We Should All Contemplate:
How to feel safe for your true self to flourish?
-Recognize- the soil your in… and where you’ve grown from.
The sources that create intersecting identities, you culture, social system, stories you tell about your family and yourself, the community that which surrounded your youth.
-Realize- the only thing you can own is your love.
What your value system is quantified from: attachment, values, trauma, vulnerability.
What do you need, what kind of bodily arrays excite you?
Ask what do I want, what do I dream of?
What is okay and Aligned with myself?
What do I have the capacity or assess to?
Practice your self-care and self interests!
Find your people!
Be an Organic Independent Being! See your Authentic Style as an Autonomous plant
Agreements systems change like the seasons, they are mutual flexible.
You are an autonomous being. Be aware of ownership language you’ve patterned into.
The way you tell your story exercises the agency you manifest and believe yourself worthy of.
Relationship Escalator (Common Script) VS. Relationship Treadmill (New Gunn’s) Relationship Cultural Narratives/Ideals
Dating-exclusive-married-children (seen as swift effortless and joyous) vs. Dating defining your relationship agreement as your ideal and find fit to your autonomous self. (You have to have an entry and exit plan when getting on a treadmill and its hard work)
Dr.Gunn Book Advice: Relationship Agreements
RAY COHEN Consent Workshop
Object fondling discovering the in flow, hands are not just implements to complete an objective, they contain million of sensors to sense their own pleasures. Ask yourself: What are my hands feeling right now?
Hands have just as many neural receptors and brain cells then do the lips and private regions
Ask yourself is this a gift I can give with a full heart? Keeping the responsibility to take care of yourself?
Taking role is formed on agreements, stay within the limits of that permission. “May I feel..…” Feel for the anatomy, notice you are doing it for yourself. In take you are receiving a gift by taking action, to claim (with consent/permission) access to the other’s body.
Giving the gift of access to oneself to be touched (with a full heart) is allowing.
Remember whom the action is for? It’s not always what it looks to be
“What would you like to do to me?” your partner is allowing you and this is 100% for you.
“How do you want me to touch you” your partner is giving and you are receiving
The take and allow dynamic (the lover’s touch) usually occur between lover’s where as the Give and Receive models prime example is getting a professional massage. Please watch the videos if you want to know more
You want to be able to assess all 4 dynamics in consensual agreements!
This workshop helped to develop skills to ask for what you what and make an agreement about that. This was developed by Betty Martin a a Chiropractor, a Body Electric School trained Sacred Intimate, Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Foundations of Facilitation trainer, and a self-propelled erotic adventurer and intimacy coach. She has instructional videos here
Trust yourself to ask for what you want and stay within both of your limits.
We wish relationships came with our partner’s manual of how to love just as much as we wish to be mind readers. If you are shamed/scared about speaking your truth use the critique/compliment sandwich “I love what you are doing could you…a little more/to the right ect.. Marvelous, yes!.”
Desire Smuggling: When we don’t ask for what we want, so we go about to get what we what in passive ways.
Ask questions that make your partner feel safe:
“Would this be better if i did a and then b?” “harder or softer” “at what angle of the clock does it feel best” “Does it feel better here or here?” “warmer or colder, out of a scale of 1-5?
Modify and ask again!
Play a game where everything you’re playmate is able to do must be strictly spoken by you first! Like Simon says!
You don’t know if it is a demand or a request, until you see if no is optional.
If you are open to a certain level of things your partner meets you at that point or below that level. Do not negotiate to meet a higher level if you playmate is non coercive they will meet you where you are at.
“Thank you for your request, I am open to doing this….” “no but I am willing too….”
Deciding what to do is emotional work, make a firm agreement of what you are willing to do.
Try to do the part mentioned above clothed.
Here is an great resource from auto straddle to map out your sexual mutual interests and fantasies in many ways!
Make sure to confirm with your playmate, HOW they envision their desires in a scene. When someone says they want to be dominated there is too much room for imagination!
Set a Consensual Ethical Container for our juicy possibilities:
-novelty -object of desire – power – permission- D/S-vulnerability-giving up control- role play
Dirty talk formula
1.say what you are going to do
2.you say how you are going to do it
3.say what you are doing
Check in with what language you both resonate with before engagement*
“I would love to talk about this with you” “Let’s read an erotic bedtime story!”
Learn about your partners inner sex appeal by highlighted an erotic story book and studying each other’s highlights and asking “why” to understand their sex appeal.
Dr.Harris Book Suggestion: Tell Me What you Want
& Her own book Tongue Tied
I left Polytopia so fucking tired! I had no idea what level of emotional work all the new information would afford me. I wish every young woman could be equipped with the boons leanrned at the conference. You can only honor yourself for how far you have come instead of guilting your conscious for what you lacked. Good communication holds yourself accountable and responsible for your wants, needs and desires. We must make ourselves always all able to receive humble gracious growths.