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My Story

Million dollar question

The auspicious coincidences of life, the subtle changes, and the big forks in the roads, that which shaped my heart and delivered me to love unconditionally. My story begins with a bond greater than man, the best friend, the loyal canine.

Naming holds layers of subconscious attachments  and I never felt the power a name could hold, until I named Hoku; translates to star.  She loved to be the center of attention, a 50 lb beautiful brindle mix (boxer, greyhound, pitbull), Hoku was named after a previous pet that passed when I was 6 from a hit and run. Being a star I suppose their lives were never meant to be on earth.

 

When my ladyhood blossomed my smart folks partnered me with someone  to occupy my time, teach me; restraint, patients, leadership and responsibility. Not a boyfriend?! Hoku…  On New Year of 2010 I was surprised with the friend I had always asked for.  We ventured everywhere by bike and roller-skates, running Off-trail, Secluded beaches, Kayaking out to islands, surfing, Roped to a Bicycle or Skates Hoku slowly showed signs of possessive aggression.  Shunned from play circles I feared she would never temperament well with any furry living heart that perspired fear.

She had a brindle coat much like a Tiger and much like a tiger the instinct of a hunter was undeniable, in every impulse.  She had puppy & obedience training, she was a good girl and a person pleaser, but, when she sensed fear in an animal or an animal was around her territory the sounds of her threatening a death and attempts of escape was positively wrenching.  At any sound of trouble, laser quick instincts ignite from post traumatic stress, selective hearing, heart racing, and cortisol rushing to keep me on high alert.
Many accidents and breaking up fights with my hands running with blood. My body choked on adrenaline and my mind rampant from shrieks of pain and horror.  In all my doing I could not take away any suffering the most I could was give the hurting full financial support.   A bark would spur myself into a mode of anxiety, phone calls I dreaded for fear it was about her, fear took over. The arrangements between owners, neighbors and vets was an emotional and financial debt unimaginable.
During the semester I would work at the University offices, a dance shop (only Saturdays) and in the summer in a restaurant in Waikiki at night and a Law Firm during the day.  The Pride I had was immense, to be independent was my greatest sense of selfhood. My food and 30% tuition was my Kuleana (responsibility).  At heart,  a sense of unburdening my family was at the center of my anxious strive to be free.
I had always been fascinated with exotic dancers and have been the “designated” masseuse from a family of jocks. So I researched…
I found a massage teacher, through a web of connect nodes, which propelled me into 2 studios Thai and Chinese, where my apprenticeship was solidified.

I found the Owner of a Bachelor party entertainment company, through other nodes, and we practiced her Colorado Show at Extensive Events Through out the night life in Honolulu.

Amber the masseuse and Goldie the entertainer only treated the symptoms that Hoku’s aggression created and under the duress to finish school and swim financially I neglected the root.  I like to think I did the best with what I had and knew, and had access to..
   Four months to my 21st birthday, and I was driving my best friend, my fur-child to an end she never expected and I payed for dearly… When someone falls asleep in front of you, forever you do not think a second, is a minute. After a few, I swallowed everything and looked into her eyes, I composed myself…I gave her every ounce of calm serene and love energy, I called within me, and felt her fall into my hands with ease.  I communicated of all the sorts of animal friends she will finally get to play with. You will be safe, at rest, and peace with your primal beast.
Her waiting for me each day, playing catch and kisses are the best memories!
 That summer the Aunty that financed my neighbors cat&dogs surgeries came to visit. I was ready to give her the thousands I saved to repay her.  She learned of Hoku’s passing after showing me pictures of my cousin and her pet, and an avalanche of grief exploded.  At lunch that day over a bowl of tomato soup in a cafe with my sister, she said “your debt is paid”.  I don’t think she will ever know what that meant to me…She never took the money. 
Every day, I see Hoku, and think of her energy.  She was my best companion through adolescence and my young adult life.  I am sure she is smiling, from the freedom and independence, her life sprung forth.  I let half her ashes go where North meet West on my home Isle, Kaena point where souls ascend.
Portrait of Hoku ’14 -C.D
“Camille” is a butterfly story I will share another time, she didn’t emerge until the young caterpillar ate through many books and researched the profession of antiquity with reverent passion.

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